One thing I have to deal with every time I am inside the campus is the fact that there are just so many couples around. And although you would like to move on with your life because acads take precedence over personal emotions, there are times that you would want to experience that loving feeling - let alone wonder, when can I fall in love?
Jealous? Jaded? Too bitter much to even consider going out on a loving spree?
Yes.
Why?
Because everyone of us is looking for love! And though I wouldn't be rapt to say things against lovely couples, let me say that my hormones still do the talking every now and then.
But seriously, have you ever considered wondering what makes your love story bloom like a thousand flowers?
To tell you the truth, it irritates me when some people try to tell me to "Go for the kill!" as if the girl I set my eyes with is just a piece of meat worthy of being devoured and ravished. I personally hate it too when people chastise me for reading books about love and then go on raving about their personal love-scapades as if to emphasize that "Love is not head knowledge but pure action". This is not to say that love is about head knowledge and no action. No, it will never be. But let us just say that love stories do play a part in how you should approach love... humanly. Ultimately, it is the person who read that book, watched that movie, or heard that story who will decide how to approach the man/woman of his/her dreams.
Single as I am, I'm still susceptible of the moments when I feel I am so alone, that people cannot seem to like me because I'm fat, because I'm too serious for my own worth. That a beautiful love story is lightyears away from me, things like that. True, I brood over it. And I'm entitled to that. I even envy my classmates who seem to 'snag' partners like it was a simple matchmaking game. Although they'll be quick to say it wasn't easy, their fast pace is something I cannot really do.
Guys and girls really have differing opinions when it comes to love, and usually I prefer the girls' opinion because it's more straightforward. Sometimes (just sometimes), guy opinions tend to be egotistic and self-proclamatory - like an insecure guy who drapes his arm on 'his girl' seen talking to her guy best friend. Possession is romantic in bits and pieces; but when it spirals out to obsession, you're on the road to doom.
Too many times, our preoccupation with 'looking for love' tends to make things complicated. And admittedly, I am experiencing that. I 'consciously' look for 'eye candies', and from that set of eye candies I select which one to pursue. I hate it actually, but I ended up doing it. I kept on saying 'I hate those who collect and select, they're treating people like over-the-counter commodities', but I ended up doing just that. Sometimes, in the search for love the battle becomes short of commitment; and it actually leaves me hollow - wanting for more of that loving feeling.
"Love is not a feeling; it is a decision to commit,". as M. Scott Peck will tell you. Eric and Leslie Ludy will say, the mushy aspect of love is a natural thing (you know, the 'I drown when I look into your eyes' type of thing); but when you anchor it on simply feeling, then you're walking down the road to doom as well.
Far too many times we have claimed love as our doing. My conquest. My crush. My lovelife. Puro 'my', 'my', 'my'. And it's an ego thing. But when we rely on our own 'me-ness', we realize that man can only do so much and that he cannot give everything versus what he felt to be everything. When Augustine of Hippo was out there satisfying his worldly desires, he claims to have felt this loneliness at living a pointless life. That there was no drive nor resolve to see the end of the tunnel. Ultimately, in his moment of agony he said in his Confessions the classic quote: "You have made us for yourself, o Lord, and our hearts are restless until it rests in You."
God is the Author of Romance. He wouldn't be 'deus caritas est' (God is Love) if he wasn't. And though it is definitely hard to pull off a single day for a single person just like me, I pray for the grace that God will help me go through it because I know that one day He will lead me to my future wife - the one person who will satisfy my longing for deep, committed love in ways only God can tell me how.
So does this serious person still think of love? Of course, I do! Agonizingly... sometimes.
I really need to reformat my social life, because if I don't... I'll not make it to my dream of a happy family (with a white picket fence).
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