Recession

Frankly, it has been nine months since I last conversed withYumi-chan. And though you may laugh at me for still being this inept little dude who hasn't gone over a previous 'heartbreak', I still believe that an unfinished business is really some unsettling score.

My heydays during that time were mostly mundane. I smile when she smiles, and I'm happy when I talk to her. It is really true, the saying that the simple things really make you happy. That the best things in life are free. Where will you ever find love but in a person who's willing to be committed towards you? It does cost some emotional price, but to say a material/economic price, I don't think so.

And that's what makes me a little depressed.

It was nobody's fault, anyway. A fallout was to be expected sooner or later. But the really unsettling score is when my course blockmate intervened and poisoned the well. As if getting bad vibes wasn't enough, the blockmate had the nerve to say the deed to other people. To generate support? Sympathy? Why?

To me, however, the 'other people' weren't really 'other people'. They were friends dear to me. So at the first mentioning of the misdeed, I was informed. And I owe them my sanity today. Because if I didn't know it, I might have gone on with my heydays with a lingering question in my mind.

In one point or another, the people we actually 'care for' are those we want to give our time. We spent hours mulling over talking to them, whether through text or instant messaging, or through landline or cellphone. The ultimate objective is to be connected, and simply revel in each other's company. When you're 'in care' for that person, scripts really fly out of the window. 'Anything goes' is the name of the game, and you suddenly notice that three hours have already gone by. And you leave satisfied, contented, with a smile.

My editor, Sara, was right when she surmised that what I wanted from Yumi-chan is this sense of closeness that a faithful friend can give. Her terms point to mutual understanding (MU); and yes in my furtive dreams, I dream of that. Yet I believe that the foundations of true love are laid like a brick on a stone wall. You start off with whatever you can gather, and just build it up from there. Yes I believe in love, and I long to be in love. But to go for hasty love is something I would not bear.

Waiting for that special someone is actually an exercise of freedom and pain. One, you are free. Free to decide everything about your life; no need to be concerned about what/where/when to eat/hang out/sleep. Your life is in your hands, and you're pretty happy to have that. But once in a while pain creeps up your skin - maybe through a question of why you are still alone. Or a longing to be with someone to empty your love, care, and devotion to. In any eventuality, the reality speaks loudly it is really hard to wait. But, just like Professor Ueno's faithful dog, Hachiko, good things do come to those who wait.

Recuperating after that falling out wasn't an easy process for me because I know that there's a lingering question behind. I want to curse, kill, and smash my blockmate-culprit to pieces. But when I consider her disadvantaged state in life, I stop to say it's no use dealing with a disadvantaged enemy. Like a Chinese warrior who chooses to fight only the foe of equal stature, I choose to let my culprit's deed pass. Besides, if I reacted to whatever my blockmate did, it would only prove her victory in giving me a 'ruined life'.

And I'm really affected, yes. So affected that I can't stop thinking about the what ifs. But to sa that my life is ruined is a complete understatement. An exaggeration of my recuperation process. A complete, grand fallacy worthy of being thrown out of the window. Because if I am ruined, my life shouldn't be the same again. I shouldn't be laughing, I shouldn't be living. I should be like a living dead on a patch of earth. But I am here, alive, smiling, and even laughing. I have claimed stability over my life, and I am moving at a steady pace. So why be bothered with a perturbed spirit - such as the one who poisoned the well?

I like to face my culprit with a conviction that she is wrong to have done that. For the sake of personal interests, her doing was just so low. But one thing remains for sure: that between me and my beloved culprit...

I am still the ultimate champion.

Because I have victored over my own personal demons.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.